I had gotten on her case about some fingering on a song with 5 flats (5 flats!!!!) that she's been practicing incorrectly for 2 weeks. Ooops. I should have checked on her before the morning of lessons. She went to lessons in a rotten mood, saying she hated piano.
She's been complaining of not feeling well pretty much all school year.
When I picked her up from lessons, I asked her about her feelings and mood. She said, "I just don't feel good." I pried further, knowing that "I don't feel good" has become a catch-all phrase for her. She never "feels good." What don't you feel good about? What's your mood like? Own your emotions - be honest about them. There's great power in being honest about how you feel. Blah, blah, blah. She must have clicked with one of my momisms, because she then said, "I feel like my life is collapsing on me." Oh, my heart just broke. What 9 year old worries so much that she feels like her life is collapsing on her?
I asked her for specifics -- what parts of your life are you stressed about?
Here was her list:
* She's reaching a level of piano that is getting difficult. It's not coming easily to her and she's not enjoying it at all.
* There's a new girl in class that is mean to everyone. Bossy and always tells them that her old school was way better.
* Teacher appreciation week. Two girls in class made a giant card from the whole class but won't let anyone write on it. Also, the kids voted and decided to write a note from each of them on the whiteboard, but Mrs. Beck is always in the classroom, so Chloe can't figure out when they'll be able to do it.
* Math. She thinks she's terrible at math. She said she didn't pass her end of year testing on the math portion. I inquired further as to how she knew this and she said Mrs. Beck told her. I asked what Mrs. Beck said and she said, "That I got a 96%, Mom. I didn't get 100%. I didn't pass."
My heart hurts so much for my girl right now. I'm teary just typing this out. I've never thought of Chloe as a worrier, but I think I've been completely blind up to this point. She worries more than any of my kids, I'm afraid...she just holds it inside and tries to deal with it on her own.
We had a nice talk in the car. I, of course, tried to fix each problem - why do I do that? I know what she really wants is for me to just listen. I tried to shut my mouth and listen. I did have to explain to her, though, that a 96% on state testing in math is excellent! She got 100% on the Language Arts portion, so I think she must just be holding herself to that standard? I hope she understood after our conversation that she is just as amazing in Math as she is in Language Arts. Honestly! A 96% and she's worried that she is failing. It breaks my heart.
I need to be more vigilant about getting Chloe to open up. She's not a talker at all. She bottles everything up inside and just says she doesn't feel well. I need to stop and listen and dig deeper with her.
I was surprised that gymnastics wasn't on her list. It takes up such a huge amount of her free time. Gymnastics is her total and complete passion, though. It gives her determination, pride, even joy. She loves it. I'm so thankful she has a passion. I am certain it is helping her cope with everything else, even though it's so time consuming.
I don't know why I'm so surprised by these big emotions and worries. I guess I've always thought of 9 and 3rd grade as still being pretty carefree. Here we are, though, and I'm learning that Chloe has adult emotions and worries. Some of her concerns are child-like, yes, but they're all things she'll face, in one way or another, throughout her life. I'm so impressed with her. She is learning to manage her time. She's learning to care about other people. She's learning to do things that do not come easily to her. She's learning to stick to a goal and work toward it even when it is difficult. I'm so proud of her.
I wish, in many ways, that we could just take piano off her plate. I know she'd feel a huge stress relief if we did, but I just can't. As far as life-long skills and ability to serve, there is nothing more important than piano. And it is so amazingly good for her brain! I know it has helped her in school -- that skill of both sides of your brain working simultaneously that piano develops - I know it is partly why she is so good at both math and language (same for Lily). Anyway, I am in one of those mothering moments where I wish so deeply that I could just take away the challenges my child is facing, but I know even more deeply that the challenges are what will allow her to develop into a magnificent, well-rounded, successful adult.
It doesn't relieve her suffering now, though, and that is difficult. I need to kneel down and pray about this some more.
4 comments:
Love you both so much and loved our visit. You are such a good mother...never, never, never forget how much you are trusted, loved, and aided as you raise these amazing little people!
I'm glad you wrote this down..you'll thank yourself someday, and she'll thank you too...I'm sad for her, my heart is breaking for her and for you but I know that you'll both get through it. I really think, in my heart of hearts, that quite a few kids have some of these same feelings but just don't express them to anyone. I'm glad that you were able to get some things out of her. Morgan and Jordyn deal (on some level) with things like this and if I can make one suggestion (because that's all I have) for Morgan, a journal has been a really great thing for her. She had a special journal that I got for her a couple of years ago and when she's having a hard time, she immediately goes to it and expresses how she's feeling. I'm sneaky and I read it sometimes and to be really honest, some of the things in it are hard to read because they are about DJ and I and things we might have said or done that have bothered or hurt her:(:( It's hard to read but it helps me understand what things I can be working on or be a little more sensitive to her needs about. Okay, that's it, I'm praying for her and hope that better, brighter days are ahead for her. She's an awesome girl and I love her tons! Oh, and I love you tons!!!
This reminded me so much of Gabe. I have to pry so much out of that boy, and then some days he just has a total meltdown and is so upset. These kids can be so hard on themselves, and I just want to wrap him in my arms and make it all better. But it's an important life lesson to learn how to help yourself cope with the challenges of life as you know. I think having a listening ear like you said, and letting them know it's ok to fail once in awhile but it's never ok to just give up and quit.
You are such a good mom, I'm so glad that she was able to open up to you.
My Matthew is a big worrier, and he's dealt with a lot of the same issues. One thing that has helped him is a twist on Cindy's advice...he writes in a journal, but I presented it as a special journal just for me & him where he can write TO ME and I promise to respond. It has been amazing, because sometimes I'm not available right at the moment that he's upset, but he can write to me and know that I will read it and respond. I also made sure he knew that I wouldn't share the things he wrote to me with ANYONE, unless he wanted me to. It has helped us a lot.
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